Because I am Expecting Something Big


I’ve been thinking much about this lately.

Perhaps it is because I had been awaiting the arrival of Beth Moore’s latest book, So Long Insecurity: You’ve Been a Very Bad Friend. I received my copy the other day and am now waiting for the opportunity to begin reading. I don’t want to rush through it. I want to be able to read slowly and let its words speak truth to my soul. I want to be able to pray through it, and work it out with God. I have high expectations that require more than a casual reading; it requires engaging the material and being changed by it. When asked about her goal for the book, Beth replied, “The goal is for an insecure woman to open the book and a secure woman to close it.” It seems impossible to change that much, but I so dearly desire that for myself. I know God changes us by the power of His Holy Spirit, through the truth of His Word. I know Beth will speak His truth. And my heart is ready to receive it.

My mind swirls with questions and emotions.

I am introverted, which is not the same as insecurity. I am also shy; is that insecurity? I don’t think so, because I know of un-shy women who are still insecure. But how do the two relate? I want to know.

I see insecurity in women everywhere. And since I’ve already been thinking about it so much, I was quite attuned to it this week in blog land. Through blogs and tweets I was able to get a glimpse into the blogging women’s conference known as Blissdom. I saw insecurity all over the place. Worries of clothes and shoes. Being nervous about meeting other women. Some were brave enough to share their insecurities, and the overwhelming response to their stories was affirmation from other women who felt the same way, and from women who did not attend but who know they would have felt the same way. I am part of the second group, so I place no condemnation on anyone. But I see it, in others and myself, and my heart breaks. If everyone feels the same way, why can’t we get over ourselves? We’re so relieved to learn that we are not alone, yet do we just feel the relief and do nothing? In my little pre-reading-of-Beth’s-book brain, it seems that insecurity stems from a desire to be accepted by others, and a fear that we will not be accepted. So if we speak of our insecurity and we are accepted in that, then are we simply exacerbating the very problem we confess? I want to know.

I want to know because I want to get over myself! I live with this every day, as evidenced by the words in a tweet of mine this week:

Watching all the twitter chatter makes me feel like a little girl standing outside the circle, not knowing how to get in

I’ve been told that I appear to be confident. And to some extent I am, but I think being organized and put-together {which are simply characteristics of my Type-A personality} make it seem as if I am more confident and secure than I am. I can stand in front of women and lead a bible study, but put me in a simple social situation like greeting time after church on Sunday and I’m lost. Like many bloggers, I can pour my heart out with words that the whole world can see, and yet, were I to meet you in real life, I would be awkward and nervous.

Where my heart breaks for other women, it becomes angry with regard to myself, because I am tired of being this way. I’m tired of seeing what our insecurity does to us all. We were created for so much more than this.

Yes, I have really high expectations. I think there is too much at stake. What does God say about all this? I want to know.

In hope,

About Shelli Bourque

An ordinary girl living by the grace of life in Christ. Adoring wife and mom. Lover of quiet places and uncluttered spaces. Beauty seeker and image maker.